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US Dollar Admits Identity Crisis!
by Professor von Braun

January 22nd, 2001

In a rare and candid interview with CNCB's Maria Funiaroma, the US Dollar admitted today, in between commercials, that it was suffering an identity crisis. During the interview the dollar appeared confused, unable to understand what its current role actually was, frail and at times, it appeared to be suffering from the monetary version of Alzheimers disease.

The interview began with the dollar reminiscing over different and sometimes difficult periods of its 88 year existence, beginning with its conception in 1913, followed by the roaring twenties, the great depression, the war years, the post war boom, the inflationary seventies and the great maniacal bull market of the 1990's.

The dollar admitted that it was no longer able to define itself as a currency that actually had any inherent value attached to it, preferring the time when it was redeemable for gold. "Those were the good old days" it was heard to say when questioned about its most happiest days. "When people had something in their pockets that had a real value attached to it, that was a period of when I felt most comfortable" it said. "Now somebody makes a book entry in a computer and all of a sudden here I am multiplied by a factor of five overnight. What ever happened? I mean could you imagine being cloned at the rate of 10 billion every day. It's outrageous, absolutely outrageous! How can people rely on me to be an inherently stable form of currency, when not even I know how many there are of me in existence today. Every day I wake up there is more of me. What am I supposed to be?"

"Even my creator has admitted that he can no longer define me. What good am I when I don't even know what I should be! I mean should I be like a yen, or a peso, or a pound, or should I try to be like that new Euro thing?

How can I be what I am supposed to be when nobody can tell me what exactly I am supposed to be! All they seem to want is more of me. I am getting old and everybody, everybody except my creators it seems, wants me to be what I was, but it's not that easy anymore.

When I used to have that nice de-facto relationship with Mrs. Gold, well that was easy, real easy. People knew what I was worth, but today, I mean really, how can I be a store of value when I am mass-produced at the press of a button. There is so many of me in circulation that even I lost count several years ago. I don't even know what language to speak. I circulate in so many countries that I have lost count. I suffer permanent jet lag, I get exchanged so many times each day that I no longer even understand what I'm worth or why I am being exchanged.

They, the interfering tradition-breaking upstart baby boomers, even had the audacity to change the way I look. I mean there I was in my early 80's and I had to undergo a "face" lift! What an insult! I mean I was fine for all those years, then, all of a sudden here I am looking new again. And as a result of this new look they, the self-proclaimed masters of the universe, could print me at twice the speed. No respect I say!

Now they expect everybody to use me and I am getting tired of all these multiple uses. I am not what I was, I can't be what they want me to be and I'm getting old. These new drugs, especially that derivative one, are making me even older. And confused! How can I be all things to everybody when I can't be defined! Should you save me, spend me, redeem me, trade me, convert me, sell me, tax me, or just let me die of old age?

Yes I am confused, very confused. I long for the days when Mrs. Gold and I cohabitated. I would, if they would let me, tell all those hard working people who helped make me what I was to swap me for her. She was and still is a truly honest woman, one who could never be duplicated at the push of a button, nor cloned overnight by some overzealous Fed chairman, or given a "face" lift by some well-educated but hopelessly inexperienced Treasury Secretary. No, she would not allow that to happen! Not Mrs. Gold. She understood purity and integrity and would not allow any "whiz" kid to upset her status quos.

I even remember her favorite saying. "I am what I am", she would whisper in my ear, "and of all the suitors I have had the Frenchmen knew me the best. They always admired me, treated me with due respect and understood that I was what they always came home to. They would have none of this total reliance on fiat currency". "Be careful", she said to me, "for it is the nature of men, especially bankers and politicians, to lie and even though they can not discredit me, though they will try, they will give you so many roles to play that you will not know which way to turn. Then they will trash you."

"Yes I remember those days well, but now, now I am getting old, and what's even worse, I have to deal with people like you Ms. Funiaroma, along with your program managers, your "instant experts", your opinions on me and where I am heading, your miserably failed understanding of money, economics, history and your inherent ability to mislead people who have been relying on me to do a job I can't possibly do, because of people like you!

Rest assured of one thing, when people finally come to see me for what I have become, they will see you for what you are and that will be, for you and your ratings experts, an interesting day."

So ended the interview.

The Prof can be contacted by email at

Copyright by Professor von Braun. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted at USAGOLD by permission.

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