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No Raw Ingredients Required
by Professor von Braun
December 29th, 1999
It was announced today on CNBC.com that Plant.com had agreed to merge with Cook.com and Meat.com and the resultant company would be called CyberspaceMeals.com.
The Chairman and CEO of the new group, Colonel Taco B Sanders-McDonald was quoted as saying that a new era in fast food had finally arrived. Using the internet people could now select from a variety of menus located at the companies website and, providing they had a color printer, have first class restaurant quality meals delivered via the internet.
Plant.com, the leading producer of cyberspace plants and vegetables would be supplying fresh produce solely for the CyberspaceMeals.com network. Meat.com would provide beef, chicken and pork raised to specific USDA standards. In some cases people could, via video link ups, pick out a live chicken and that would become part of their cyberspace dinner for four, electronically delivered.
Pluck.com announced that its new technology now allowed it to remove feathers, entrails and gizzards from a wide variety of birds destined for the table. Turkeys, however, were providing difficulties. Delivering a whole turkey via an AT&T phone line was still a problem the company said. The company advised people ordering whole turkeys to use cable television, preferably connected to 56" screens.
CyberspaceMeals.com also announced plans to include a merger with Fish.com, the leading supplier of electronically caught fish, shellfish and lobsters. Fish.com announced today that the fishy smell reported coming from recipients color printers would soon be replaced with the aroma of newly cut flowers. Newlycutflowers.com had announced earlier that its wholly owned subsidiary, aroma.com could now provide aromas on demand via the company's new website, sniff.com.
Fish.com also announced that the issue of bones in fish fillets had also been resolved. It was reported that cheap poor quality printer paper had been the problem.
Colonel Sanders-McDonald went on to say that he expected electronic gourmet meals would become the new millennium's version of the TV dinners of the past. People could go on line, order their dinner, hit the print button, watch their dinner being delivered, and continue ordering goods and services from their favorite websites.
The ultimate in internet luxury living has arrived he said. Now you can stay at home forever and participate in all sorts of wonderful activities merely by turning on your computer.
Meanwhile the FDA announced today that cases of severe malnutrition in the United States were on the increase. Surprised by the numbers being reported the FDA said it was investigating the cause.
Symptoms being reported were weight loss, blurred vision, attention deficiency, sexual dysfunctions and an inability to perceive reality. Some patients had even reported involuntary outbursts of verbal exclamations, the most frequent being the phase "you've got mail" at sporadic intervals.
Whitehouse spokesperson, Mr. J. Lockout.com, said that the President was unavailable for comment but was monitoring the situation via his new laptop computer, the Lewinsky special edition. This model, a Xmas gift from Mrs. President, was described as the ultimate laptop computer capable of a wide variety of interesting cyberspace functions.
In other news today the world's largest producer of paper gold, US based Goldmin Sechs, announced that delivery of its latest version of the virtual gold certificates could also be affected via the internet. The company said that new technology purchased from "merde de le bull", a website owned by the European Central Bank (www.merdedelebull.com) had enhanced the graphics previously used to print the old virtual gold certificates.
In line with the rapid growth of e-commerce the company expected demand for the virtual gold certificates to continue to increase. Operations at the company's largest virtual gold mine were now in full swing. The new operations manager, Mr. W. C. Fields said that the current operating philosophy "never give a sucker an even break" would continue as long as there were suckers.
To all readers a happy and prosperous New Year.
The Prof can be contacted by email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Copyright by Professor von Braun. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted at USAGOLD by permission.
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